SD 180–189: Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Fuck. I keep saying things will get worse and I thought I’d internalized it, but… no. Honestly really thought/hoped RBG would live forever. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Shanah tovah! Puts my frustrating past few days into perspective. Fuck. Fuck.

Rest of my week off was fine. I stressed myself out days I wasn’t working on freelance by being behind and then stressed myself out on days I was working by working instead of being on vacation. I gotta take more time off and not double book it with work. My physical health felt better and I caught up on sleep a bit. I immediately torpedoed that by getting back to work this week. I’ve been very tired and not sleeping enough despite not having crazy long hours. These past couple days I don’t even know where the time has gone. I’ve gotten nothing done but the days have just flown by, straight down an anxiety well.

And now… this. Fuck. Fuck. What am I doing to make the world better? Very fucking little. Just stuck being frustrated by my own small problems and worries.

I even had some great professional news Monday! But even that’s been stressful since I’m bad at asking questions. Ugh fuck. Accentuate the negative positive?

We moved the bed out of the second bedroom Sunday into storage and turned it into a full-time office. It was Matt’s first full week on his new course this week and Dane’s in school. I decorated for Halloween. On Tuesday it was Apple’s event to announce new watches and iPads. I get weirdly excited for Apple events and then I missed most of it because there was a conflict with a work thing that ended up being pointless, so that was frustrating.

Then on Wednesday there was Facebook Connect for new VR announcements which I watched part of but also had a work conflict. Then there was a PS5 event in the afternoon that also had a work conflict. I didn’t even have that many meetings this week! Annoyed at myself for being frustrated that I couldn’t watch glorified commercials basically. Wednesday night there was a Facebook Connect keynote from John Carmack that overlapped with the biweekly family Facebook call so missed most of that too. What I did see was weird.

The Facebook events were in Facebook Venues which was a virtual VR auditorium. So sat in a fake dark auditorium (more like movie theater stadium seating) watching a giant virtual screen with semi disembodied avatars (head, torso, no backside, and one or two floating hands depending on device, no arms). Your mic is on by default so you can hear and talk to people sitting next to you… which is weird because you’re in theory trying to watch a presentation? And the presentation being flat on a screen instead of an actual immersive VR experience is also weird. It felt a little SXSWy though, which was nice. I miss that. But Carmack’s talk was just crazy technical. When I joined he was talking about refresh rate for a very long time.

Also… I bought a Quest 2. Facebook and Zuckerberg keep going worse and worse, but other than the now very out of date PSVR, it feels like the Quest 2 is gonna be the only headset in the game. I guess there’s still the Valve Index, but after a ton of different headsets, the field has narrowed considerably.

Also… fuck. Should I find a roof to jump off or stick it out to see how bad things get?

Words I write about my emotional state do not imply an endorsement. Fuck.



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