ahhh yeah. laddy is playing gee-tar and singing dylan while being accompanied by alex (i’m assuming) on the… violin.
it was a bad day (“bad”), so i’ve decided to be self destructive. here’s a list of my self destructive tendencies:
-listening to dresden dolls “bad habit” on repeat
-taking a nap
-eating some pancakes
-drinking a giant bottle of smirnoff ice (yes cake, i am drinking what they’re selling)
i’m a-goin’ crazy! someone better stop me before i hurt myself.
my natural tendency while standing on a bridge is to think about jumping (lots of fun times at chester creek in duluth). there’s an xacto knife on my desk that i keep picking up and wanting to shove towards my wrist. there’s a safety cap on it, and i stop about a foot away. on the cusp of adolesence, there is only retardedness.
while sitting at le sausage tonight (by myself!) eating self destructive pancakes (that makes them sound like they explode. exploding pancakes would be cool) i figured out that i’m headed in the wrong direction. only the scenery has changed, nothing about me is any different. if i continue along this path, bad things will happen. i need to grow up emotionally a bit. i need to see to it that i never have a crush again. jealousy is a problem as well. i also see seeds of trying to fix things with alcohol within me. it might be best to just stop drinking (since i’m such a lush) altogether. i don’t know. it really isn’t an issue… yet? i just don’t want it to ever be a problem.
i need to meet more people and be better about studying. i also have to start doing new things. i’m going to regret never doing anything in a year if i don’t shape up. part of the beginning of this scheme will be going to DV8 with katja (finnish girl who likes girl at gay club = hawt!111one) on thursday. i probably will want to drink to convince myself i’m not shy. two years ago i was espousing the evils of alcohol as a “social lubricant.” growing up is getting rid of your moral code…
hiccup
the new elliot smith + cake albums aren’t spectacular, but they’re growing on me. i like them especially well as background music for brum. things tend to just sound better on headphones, though my earmuffs make me feel a little silly. oh well, that’s everyone else’s problem. death to tiny headphones!11 it makes me so damn happy to have a new cake cd. i’d heard way last fall from maren (who saw them live for free.. GRR) that they had something in the works. then voila, livejournal informed me it was out. a look around amazon revealed it was coming out in the UK the 18th; same day as elliot smith’s last album. it worked out well, but i spent too much on them. CDs tend to be a bit overpriced… like everything else. my job is helping a lot though, thankfully.
i’d been thinking i’d have a new cake album for brum. there it was. i was on main campus today thinking it would really make sense to run into lyn. 30 seconds later she was there. the only things i can make happen are stupid things. last year i dreamt of truth and beauty, promise and hope. things seemed “real” for the first time. that went down in flames. stop looking and you shall find what you do not seek? i blank blanker because blank is blankly?
you don’t even play piano. i’m the one that plays piano.
i want to fall into someone and become wrapped up in their existence. i’ve decided to discard my dislike/distrust of tall people (first they resisted, then they began to sway) because i desire protection. if that doesn’t work out, i shall just curl up into bed; an equally viable option.
since i’m tipsy, i shouls go flirt with boys in an attempt to embarass myself and/or get them to stop playing their instruments. i am a tool.
new cake is definitely growing on me. okay. alright. “in a seedy karaoke bar by the banks of the mighty bosphorus is a japanese man in a business suit singing smoke gets in your eyes and the muscular cyborg german dude dances with a sexy french canadian while the overweight americans wear their patriotic jumpsuits. wheels keep on spinning round, spinning round, spinning round and round…”
if you know a song that is like “bla bla bla, of course of course and then bla bla bla” it might be modest mouse… or something entirely in my head. i can’t remember any more lyrics than that, but it’s been in my head for a few dies.
WHY YOU SAY YOU ARE NOT IN LOVE ME? WHY YOU SAY YOU ARE NOT IN LOVE WITH ME? WHY YOU SAY YOU ARE NOT IN LOVE WITH ME? WHY YOU SAY YOU ARE NOT IN LOVE WITH ME. WHY YOU SAY YOU ARE NOT IN LOVE WITH ME (i’d settle for the “i love you, but i’m not in love with you” spiel. or a hammer to dylan pretenders).
I bomb Korea everynight.