after a very bizarre last evening last night in which i:
1. was convinced no one really likes me,
2. demanded from people that they tell me their thoughts on me,
3. smoked way too many cloves, and
4. realized no one thinks too hard about dead journal entries,

Yeah, I'm afraid I haven't been entirely honest. Here's the real story… Bah. Spacetime Flexpass fills me. The last journal entry wasn't written by me, but no one really said anything. No one questions the line about me waking up in a stranger's bed with a stranger. i don't feel like capitalizing right now. the entry was in fact written by laura nesson about her day. she was our director of sorts for spacetime flexpass at camp. and she introduced us to mitch hedberg, but i might have already said this. the elaborate prank seems to have had little result. so it goes.

i dunno. that seems to be my current mantra. i've been fine in general recently, but then i get to thinking. i block out my father, and i try to keep up the happy funny mask because it seems to work best. in the past people have said i'm fun to hang around when i'm not depressing, so now i try to be fun. now they say i don't have real emotions because i hide them. i'm always at a loss.

i see all my friends in love. i'm envious of the intimate connection they show. intimate.. physical, meh. i see my friends torn apart by their relationship woes. i feel intensely sad for them, even though i have no idea what they're feeling. i've worked myself into a hole that i'm not positive i belong in. i haven't truly found myself which is such a weird concept. how can i not know who i am? i've got little idea of what i want to do with my life. i have plans, but those seem more automatic than deeply connected to what i want. i can't even type straight anymore. curse south dakota.

i miss egypt. i miss germany, austria, switzerland, italy, france, denmark, and england. i really miss taiwan. i like foreign countries. i like large cities. i like things with history. taiwan was the best place i've ever been i think.

i'd kill for apple sidra or mountain apples.

anyone know how to get foreign fruit and soft drinks? or the steamed bread stuff. god. the people, the places. why are my most intense memories food related in taiwan?

i'm surrounded by people, but i feel incredibly lonely sometimes. it doesn't make sense. i've also considered the fact that if i did find a lover, i'd be stupid about it and push away my true friends. i think i've been overly honest. i'm not that depressed, am i?

tomorrow i dye my hair and cut it for senior pictures. huzzah.

“bitch, you knew I was a snake”

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