“you feel fat and i feel ugly, together we don't like anybody” -kind of like spitting

it's really quite fitting these days (obligitory ha). which is the worse fantasy land? that of sleep or that of comfortable reality? which is the worse coping mechanism, constant escape or constant meanness. these truly are questions for the (teen)ages! that play on words could use a little work.

if you've ever wondered–i've got an excellent grasp of capitalization. i just think i'm cool online when i pretend to be e.e. cummings.

it's been a good week. last weekend i went to aberdeen with steph and alex, the denizens of the underground. my basement. this summer is more like the summer i'd planned on having last summer. lots of random roadtrips to places. aberdeen was amazing. i heart the red rooster coffee house. i heart it a lot. it brings the mosh. well, not really, you know how much hardcore kids hate to move.

it totally beats out amazing grace, except on sundays. it's closed on sundays and amazing grace is not. i spent many sundays there pondering stuff and things. i hope to find a nice bohemian atmosphere in birmingham. there's only so much pubbing and clubbing i can handle. neat kids. neat kids all over this suckcore state. there are neat kids in this town as well, but distance makes people more exotic! storybook land in aberdeen is also a fanciful place. i got to see paul bunyan and his big blue ox, and i didn't even have to go to minnesota!!

i still need to see the giant hockey stick in evelllyyyyttthhh because then my life will be fulfilled (i guessed on the spelling there, can you tell?).

just last night i went to vermillion to see the ambassadors of excellence show. camp. i spent six summers of my life at that camp wandering the campus of USD. it's now been two years since i've left it. it's an odd feeling to see so many people you were once very close to, yet still feel awkward and left out. to quote a beattle [sic] in yellow submarine [sick] “it's all in the mind.” there was a closeness there once, but it's gone now. it is nice to maintain a pool of people i can see once a year and still have meaningful hugs.

alex and steph never went to camp, but they seemed to enjoy the show and groove on the crazy energy of the place. the best part of the was probably a stunning rendition of pinball wizard as well as the cellblock tango, punctuated by emma holding up punchlines. for example, in response to the woman who murdered her husband for popping his gum, “gum doesn't kill people. people kill people.” in response to crazy foreign lady, a giant ? was held up. in response to the husband's crazy accusations of “you've been bangin' the milkman!” a “got milk?” sign was held up. i heart emma. she is the sex!

following the show, we drove a half an hour out of our way to yankton to meet up with derick! at the pan. derick! and i had a week of vaguness last summer. it involved the outdoors and a v-belt. it was very nice. derick!'s friends are also exotic and neato in the land of yankton. most amazing was watching the triplets of belleville at the fryn' pan, their local 24 hour family restaurant of choice. i highly suggest watching movies in public places on computers. it's hardcore. i also highly reccomend derick! he's fabulous, you know.

it's been a good bit of time sprinkled with bla. it is my duty to not be broken!

if you're curious, browse here for some of my summer highlights.

FIN (for now)

“….and when he's in a good mood, he tells you how fabulous you are!” -steph (she's crazy, even if she can list 10 people that are allegedly crazier than her.)

so last weekend i went to aberdeen and it was fabulous. one of the best trips i've taken, even though all the trips i take there are quite good. i regret greatly never venturing that way last summer. it's been a year and a half since i've seen most everyone, but it was like just yesterday. a fancy yesterday. my writing abilities at this point in time blow hard! like free willy. free will. freewill. FREE WILLy. it's deep, think about it. steph is currently sitting in the corner “i can't think about it, i can't! it's so cool. it's SO cool. free will…y!”

she's so totally crazy. at least she doesn't point at nothing in storybook land wylie park zoo doom. alex does, though. hmm. yes. we kidnapped a jeremy, saw a tessa (with mushroom mushroom mushroom power), saw a man belonging to tessa, and then fled to storybook land. alex and i were virgins. there was a giant boombox and a jazz festival. we ate pizza today. christoph, random camper/brookings kid, appeared. he's… got some issues. then tra la la storybook laaaaand. les(w)lie was hiding outside the fence as we awaited the train. the train! train. spain! paaaaaaaaaain. it was neato burrito and then we all died. wait, that's later. hmm. alex spoke loudly of masturbation as small children were shooed away by their parents. uh… yes. it was good to see tessa. and the amazing graveyard/corporate tool that is storybook land. there was even a dedication ceremony involving people looking sad around a bench on the yellow brick road.

it's a strange place.

then at some point mandy mandy mandy yay MANDY my true love remains and starlite and girlhaus MADCHENHAUS amber lindsey amber amber lindssssssssey starlite express, starlite express! DRUNKIES AAAAAAH THE DRUNKIES it's a feminine napkin lack of coherent thought jerme CHiPs hanna becca joe lynn stole kara's voice and face and etc. kesslers things rooster death doom cheryl.

but that in that particular order. it's too warm in my room to capture deep thoughts.

i love mandy, my ultimate gay fonze boyfriend. it was an incredible weekend

…more later

in the spring of my senior year i went to my first (and only so far) concert. it was flogging molly at the sokol underground in omaha and it was free because it was sponsored by my sister's university, creighton. this past year, my good friend maren began attending creighton and went to another free creighton sponsored event. that one was cake. i heart cake a lot. it brings the mosh. at umd, the only bands that came were the black eyed peas and that band from the oc (ha). those were not free. is the moral of the story i should pay thousands more to attend a private jesuit institution with a good taste in music? no, i think not. perhaps the moral is i was happy then when i am not now.

not much has changed. brookings is still brookings, and there is still more or less the same group of friends i had then. sure, clint the nihilist might be in the marines, seth might have gone insane, and everyone might have scattered, but these are but details. the biggest change really is that i left for college for awhile. it's not even like freshman year of college was the best time of my life evar!111one. there were a lot of hard, sucky times. times when i thought people back home didn't care anymore. still, despite those hardships, i desperately want out of this town. it's less than two months now till i flee the country, but i'm in a slump. i've had hardly any creative outlet all summer and of course there's no romance since it is south dakota. i just need something to focus my energy into.

i keep noticing cuts and scars on the arms and legs of my friends. several of my friends. i feel terribly for being so naive and never noticing before. my life is a total breeze compareds to what most of the people i know have been through, and i'm just now noticing. i feel dumb and hurt for my ignorance of their… doom? i guess everyone copes and escapes in their own way. i've just not found anyone who shares my coping mechanisms of total openness with a touch of bitchiness. augh, to be open and understanding and supportive of those i've shared so much with!

i don't want to give up, but i keep screwing up.

livejournal makes everything so dramatic. it's fancy.

as a sidenote, everyone has to find the newest (jul 26) issue of newsweek and turn to page 34. it's worth your time. let's just call it a portrait of my hometown of brookings. take me away, aqua (i have no right to be a musical elitist whatsoever)!

the skies cleared and all that remained was a dancing star, for you see… the chaos was within. oh trumpy, you do tragic things!

(we don't stand a chance)

the zine is not going so well. i should work on that tonight. lots of things aren't going well, but i'm alive and there are friends afoot, so i should work on that. i finally broke down and started calling some people. well, donni and kelsey. neither were home. life is so damn hard. i could be so much more social, but i'm stuck in the groove of what's comfortable.

i think my main problem is that i'm just stuck. today i finally mailed off my visa application. perhaps if i start doing some artstuff i'll feel even better. my total lack of motivation leads to a total lack of will to live. it's quite tragicomic really. dramedy!

i'm just feeling out of sorts and looking for a way to fix that. perhaps i will find it tonight. chuck? hmm, nope.

tra lalalala the end