After taking the day off from thinking, and taking the night off from friends, I think I've finally managed to get a grasp on reality again. Some things have been bothering me lately, but I'm never exactly sure what. School anxiety, being trapped in Brookings, and a hateful magic eight ball have all been contributing I think. Oh, and troubling dreams. Oh, before I get too deep, I went my second punk show in Aberdeen on the 16th. It wasn't the same as the first one. It was still cooler than Brookings will ever be, but it didn't match the first show's magic. I like uhm, hmm, “softcore punk” I guess. Most of the stuff at this show was garbled screaming and I couldn't get into it as much. Let's go through my recent affairs by category.
Mind
I've been in a rut recently. All day I bs on the computer, and all night I bs with friends. Frankly, it's BS. I meant this summer to be a productive time, not a time to shut my brain off. My creative juices flow best at night, but my nighttime is spent with friends. I need to reevaluate my priorities and work out a better day schedule. For example, I was feeling down or something today and spent all day playing Warcraft III (good game). I haven't lost myself in a game like that for a very long time. I had a headache and just felt out of it afterwards. I was a pile to Maren, which is terrible, since she's now left for Colorado for 3 days, and in the next two weeks I'll only see her for a few hours. Also, I've been highly paranoid lately in regards to my mom. I think she hates me, but it's a misunderstanding I guess. I talked to her about it a little today. Hmm, I think Brandi's been gone too long. It seems harder for my brain to register “sister” now. That's a terrible thing. I was trying to remember my childhood and remember things we've done together. It didn't work so well. That sucked. Hmm, I've also been depriving myself of caffeine, kind of. Maybe that relates. Lately I've also been sad and angstful over the whole relationship thing. I wish I had one. I have so many great friends, but when I see them all paired off, I'm sad because I know I've never had a truly intimate bond. Sometimes I feel stupid around Seth, because even though Maren and I are super best awesome friends, we can't share a bond like she has with Seth. A bond that allows me to fall asleep, and her to miss the 5 signs for aberdeen, and the 12 billboards for the aberdeen area. Oh well, it was a nice visit to North Dakota! Ha.
I remembered a few dreams last night. Unfortunately. I shouldn't tell you this, but I will. We were in an auditorium or something, and for some reason someone was Daffy Duck and then it became like a cartoon and I was Bugs Bunny. Anyway, I dressed in drag like bugs does, and then for some reason I needed to, uhm, toot Daffy's horn. What the fuck is wrong with me that makes me have a Looney Toons sex dream? Renee, care to take that one!? Blag.
Body
I've been in an awkward state regarding my body lately. I've been trying to eat less and pretend to exercise. I don't know. Stupid teen years. I just feel fat. Bla, I really never talk about this and don't like to. Everytime Maren and Kelsey and people have the “we're so fat” conversations, I just kind of squirm. Oh, and I seem to be getting acne again, due to my own laziness in regards to acne medication. I hate me.
Social
Brookings is repetetive. It's been almost two years since I've really been anywhere. Yellowstone was 2 summers ago, and Taiwan was 2 christmas's ago. I've recently been to… Duluth. This isn't good for me. I'm the kind of person that needs escape. I feel suffocated and trapped here. I don't think I can handle another year of school. I want to move to Duluth, go to College, make friends, and take road trips to Canada and Wisconsin. Not Sioux Falls and Omaha. I think this is just my brain being stupid. The first half of summer was great, or I thought it was. Now I'm just over analyzing. I need to stop that.
Moving back to general stuff, I asked Clint's Magic Hate Ball if I'd ever find love tonight. It's response? “My answer is no” Then I asked if I'd die before age 19. It said “most likely.” Well great!
I just got a Pepsi. I'm afraid to drink it. I also got all my Lenores and Jhonen Vasquez comics. I think I'm going to go read them now. It's hopefully going to be therapeutic and inspire my creativity.
I love you, buh-bye!