I came out to my father in an effort to achieve some sort of closure or something. All I got was an e-mail that was a slap in the face with it's own special brand of sincerity. Augh. I don't know when I'll talk to him again, if ever. I'm just fucking sick of it.
Everything is kinda piling up right now to make me into one big giant emo blob. The fact that my allergies are acting up, not to mention how incredibly tired I am, aren't helping. Why do I always write these when I'm so tired? It's too much unrestrained emotion.
My roommate, the abominable snowman, is getting on my nerves for no good reason. We never talk and I just feel annoyed when I have to put on headphones or smell his bad food. augh. I'm text messaging someone who is partly responsible for my crappy mood. I'm a really stupid person. I thought a boy was going to come visit me today so I made no plans and waited all day for him to call. Eventually, after watching a movie alone in a study lounge, I sent him a text message. It's been back and forth for the past few hours, me trying to get him to come, him never giving a real answer.
I associate myself with fucktards.
All this emo shit at first makes me really want a relationship, but then I see how volatile and unstable I am. It really wouldn't work, I'd freak out and take it too far. If I can feel this crappy alone, imagine what a breakup or something would do. Jesus. I've got a list of possibilities. I heard that was a good idea. It's six people, half of whom are high school seniors (not a good idea), one who lives four hours away (we've more or less decided it won't work), one who doesn't want someone younger, and the other one who's already said no. I really really fucking need to move on, but I can't.
I cling cling cling and don't let go. It's pretty pathetic. It's terribly pathetic that the best option seems to be someone who I initially liked for their pleather pants. Even they have someone else who they'll probably end up with. Augh. I'm even listening to Bright Eyes. Why do I do this? Why do I listen to this music, stay up and make myself tired, and work myself into fits of emo?
I want to go to bed and cry into my pillow and then smother myself with it for being so stupid. I need to get a grip and find some sort of focus. I need something that can ground me and put things into perspective, like a fucking job or something.
I'm the perfect example of an angsty teen worried about things that don't actually matter, and I'm a freshman in college. I need to go back to my blind optimism. I'm dying.
I had ulcers in elementary school. Life is special.