For those wondering, college does in fact get sorta crazy towards the end of the semester. I only have one actual final exam, but a shitload of projects.
Many many many projects. That's why I'm writing in deadjournal. I require a huge load of work to make me do anything. Something about procrastination and what not.
Hold on, I'm going to get a tube of pudding. I'm back. Ah… nothing so sweet and sinful as pudding dispensed from a tube.
This will most likely never happen again:
I'm reminded about something that mentions how much happier people look in pictures. Hmm.. Pudding already gone. Morale dropping…
My room smells… damp? I don't really know. It sure isn't a clean smell. I think Collin notices too, but neither of us will mention it. I love my interaction skills.
Next semester, Tofu, the meatless wonder, shall conquer all. I hope. I have two friends on campus. I haven't seen one for an extended period for more than a month. A word to the wise, if you befriend someone with a car and a poor sense of direction, make sure they never know where they're going. Once they learn their way around, you might see them a lot less.
Ha…
I do have several marvelous friends off campus. Four in fact! That's different though, because it's not like I can spend all my time with them. I really should be spending time on homework.. whatever! I don't know. This all boils down to me eating many meals alone. Me me me.
Is it loneliness? Is it depression? Do I just want attention? I'm a blind optimist with random bouts of lonely. I feel as if I've typed all of this before. Often when I remember something I'm struck by deja vu. The experience of the event happening and of remembering come into conflict in my brain and I wonder if it will happen again in the future.
Heh. At QSU meetings, I think I'm “in the bathroom” or something. I think it's assumed that QSU people are all out, but I'm not out fully, but… augh. I really need to just tell Collin or something instead of saying my dream woman is Winona Ryder. Ha. Today Bud said “you're gay” and I just nodded my head and said “yep, yep.” Then he said I was lame.
Think he knows? I decided that my sister might be right about my dad not disowning me if I told him. There's a good chance he has an idea. For some reason I think he might have known about Josh thingy. He knows I've never had a girlfriend, but that could be chalked up to me being an unpopular loser back when he was my real father. Hehe. Oh, and there's always that “if there's anything you can talk to your mother about” line. Eh. Whatever dad. It's been more than six months since he's heard from me. He should just give up.
Today I became flustered because I don't think anyone here is as cool as Maren. I might never meet someone as cool as her again, which is eerily depressing. I… think that might be one of those thoughts I should've kept private.
Well, maybe I don't mean that. There are plenty of cool people, but I don't have the same connection to them as I have to Maren. Uh.. love is just a word! It's about the connections it implies.
Even cookies need love? Fuck. I've seen the third matrix two times now and I still don't know what the hell is going on. I really need to watch the first Matrix again, because that was an honestly good movie. I feel dizzy. I feel lots of these things. Maybe to feel is my kharma. Kharma is just a word…
I must admit that I've come a long way from crying myself to sleep in elementary school because I had no friends. I have plenty of friends. I just need to cultivate the relationships more. I need to stop sitting by myself at meals and running away before connections can be formed. I think the reason why I often feel sad/lonely is because my optimism is in the future. I think tomorrow will be awesome, not today. Today is going to be shit unless I do something. I can't rely on things making themselves better in the future.
I don't want to go to Brookings for four weeks. I'd be glad to go for two weeks, but there is so much more in Duluth. I'll be sad to leave for an entire year too. I think I subconsciously feel there's a world just beyond this one where everything is marvelous. Everything is as it should be, people are happy, together, and in love. It's… your mom. Life should be an effort to peel away the layers to reach that, not this waiting crap.
Heh. I feel rather stupid for writing all this. Carry on then.
I'm not a nihilist. I'm not really that cynical. I don't think everything is shit. Then again, I'm not 100% happy. Who is? All I can say is I'm so much better now than I was two years ago. A year ago. A month ago. Don't think that I'm better because I'm without you, rather, know that I'm better because I've been with you.