and I thought, wouldn't it be great if he were different?

It all will fall, fall right into place. Jesus was a metalhead. James was his brother. We are family. And I'll look back on Venus, and I'll look back on Mars… Luck be a lady tonight! And he said… a bushell and a peck, a bushell and a peck. Tried to save myself, but myself keeps slipping away.

We were only freshmen…. A shoeful of rice now. I say uh-oh. Going down to Marv's mosquito hell! Wrap my arms around him and pretend…

Imagine me and you. I do. I think about you day and night, it's only right, to think about the… If I should call you up… Invest a dime… Imagine how the world could be… so very fine. I CAN'T SEE ME LOVING NOBODY BUT YOU FOR ALL MY LIFE.

The skies will be blue, for all my life. Hey there, Mr. Blue Sky… For all my life.

Here we go down the muffin. Bear went over the mountain to see what he could see. Other side of the mountain was all that he could see. Got a great big future and a real big past…

(In case you've failed to notice, in case you failed to notice meee… I'm going crazy. Yep. It's sort of a gradual descent into madness vs. the immediate camp transition. Though, that did happen last Saturday or something. Life in general, well, reality, is slowly crumbling. I find myself wanting to skip down the halls and scream in the stairwells. Actually, no, I don't really ever like screaming. It's not a release for me.

Release… Hmm. I guess this is release. I am finding that I do in fact need to attempt to write everyday, regardless of Mike doom. When I can't think of anything else to write, I come here. I really should just write in my own journal. And draw. Heh… I bought a giant sketchbook cause I thought I would draw everyday… Yeah, that happened. Why is this song repeating… why did I tack on an oldies song to my Modest Mouse CD playlist? Confusion.) I dunno why that's in parenthesis

Lately I've just wanted someone I could jump into. I've got this beautiful image of a giant spirit aura thingy that I can just fall into. Though… I can't really expect another person to fulfill everything I expect. I realized today that it's kinda silly to be looking for true love at this point, though a casual relationship would be nice. *stares out into space* Can't take my eyes off of yoooooou….

I think a Topher that could sing would be even more annoying then the one that can't.

I've recently revisited Locke's amazing art site and his short series “Ride” specifically.

I find this to be one of the most beautiful and sad images I've ever seen:

The real one in Ride up above is a lot bigger… I… guess I spoiled the end. Er.. sorry. That picture is printed out rather large and is at the top center of the happy wall. *sigh*

Not that I'm suicidal or want that, but… there's just something about it. I want to feel the experience of running off a cliff and jumping, not to fall, but to fly. I get caught up in angel imagery, which is kinda odd. I think I just have a thing for cute boys with wings.

Hmm… I feel like discussing religion. Right here. Feel free to scroll on to another entry…

I attended a lecture on “Christianity: Fact or Fiction?” which was basically Greg Boyd (er?) offering up nine facts as to why the bible/jesus story is true.

Ok, stuff in the bible happened and there was some dude named Jesus. I'll buy that. It's the whole “son of god” thing I have a problem with. There's an extra step of believing that comes beyond the facts, that'd be faith. I don't have that. (Modest Mouse: Jesus Christ was an only child, went down to the river and he drank and smiled…) Yeah… Uhh, apparently since I was raised Catholic I was never special enough to hear about Jesus's brother James and other siblings.
It's interesting cause Catholics are obsessed with the idea of the virgin Mary, hence no other children. Others don't care so much. Then again, Joseph was a widower and possibly had children from prior marriage, hence Jesus would have step siblings. Er.. half? I never remember that right.

Yeah… maybe I just don't want to believe these “nine solid facts” or whatever. I respect religious diversity. To say that I believe in Jesus is to say that everyone before 30 AD or whatever were wrong, as well as all the Buddhists, Muslims, Jews, and etc… Also, there's the argument that “weighing the options, I just couldn't see myself as a non-believer…” What the hell? I can't buy into that. “Oh, well, I'm kinda iffy on this whole omnipotent being thing, but burning in hell would really suck, so I might as well just fake it till something real comes along…”

I can't justify that. I also can't justify buying into a specific organized religion, especially considering how much trouble that's caused. Crusades, Jihaads, inquistions… Why would a God figure let that stuff go on in his name? Why do I have to be considered an evil person just because of who I love? I dunno… maybe I should become Lutheran or something. Augh.

I don't speak with Jesus personally. I've never had a holy experience. I remember crying in a group hug 8th grade with Dee (Alex's mom), Steph Chase, and some other kids explaining that my grandmother's death had renewed my faith. I don't know what happened or if I was just caught up in the moment, but I was an atheist less than a year later. Hmm, I was also gay. Wonder if that relates.

I've seen a Grandma and Grandpa go to cancer. I've seen an aunt go to anorexia nervosa (bulemic jokes make me feel guilty), and two uncles go to horrible accidents. I know it's selfish and childish to be like “oh, people die, why does god let this happen?!” but… I don't know. Staring into the closed eyes of a corpse, I don't see fulfillment, I see loss.

I dunno. I feel kinda stupid for thinking that it would take witnessing a miracle for me to believe in god. I remember praying to god during several tornado watches that I'd believe in him if I lived. I've dreamt that I was the second coming of christ, and there was another dream where I did believe in god.

Another lame thing is that the time commitment bothers me… I hated going to church. I saw it as a waste of an hour and a reason why I had to sleep less on Sundays. And under catholicism, if you don't go to church, you burn…

I guess religion, as it was presented to me, seemed to be too much of an all or nothing thing. I was too busy with my own problems four years ago to worry about some amazing being that created the universe. Oh… that's another big reason why I don't believe–science! Uh.. evolution, big bang theory anyone? Harumph. Am I too scared to have faith? It's like the damn Alanis song, “and if you called by his name/would you have to believe/have faith in all his glory” I… screwed that up, but you get the point.

This is the most that I've questioned my own existence/beliefs in a long time. I dunno, agnosticism seems good for a paranoid person like me. But that's the belief that there's no proof one way or the other… what about nine certain facts? (and what about the upheaval in Palestine in 70 AD. I should look into that)

College has confused me. It's like the first 18 years of life were waiting for me to graduate high school and get on with life, but… I'm still waiting. My thought process was “oh… life's been kinda mediocre, but if I can hang on till college…”

Same thoughts apply to love. “Oh, I didn't date in high school, thus I'm entitled to immediately in college.” Yes, I actually believed it was just a given that I'd immediately find a boyfriend… Heh. That's me. I… I love everyone. All of you out there. Whether you like it or not, I love you. HA! There's a good chance I want to hug you too, but when I see you again I'll probably be too shy/worried that it'd screw something up, so oh well.

In lieu of finding this amazing perfect entity to fall into, be it god or boyfriend, I think I'm gonna hug Maren really hard when I see her and not let go. It'll be weird cause I'll answer my door or be in the entryway or something and we'll just latch onto each other and not let go. We'll also probably fall over. I'll feel kinda weird for being attached to Maren and on the floor while people are looking, but hey, it's been a while.

Heh… a friend of mine doesn't believe in god because she can't believe that jesus loves her for more than a week at a time or so… I'm just confused about love and live in general.

Love me?

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