I've got an essay due Thursday that I can't seem to start writing, and I think I know it's because it's due Thursday… ungh. I have to have people edit it to…

(as an aside, what the fuck, I'm listening to Baba O'Reily as I often do but it has NEVER sounded like this before… I think I'm getting mildly stoned. Hey… I was drinking coffee grinds and last time I drank that coffee I went batshit crazy too… so… coffee makes me go nuts, neat!)

Anyway, the point is that I haven't done much homework for the past week or so even though I've got a lot to do. So… that doesn't get better once you get to college, for all those that are wondering.

In an effort to get my brain into a homework mood, I started doing some website stuff. I'm now bored with that, so I'm here writing. This will most likely be a long entry.

Duluth is reeeeeally beautiful, and less than a block away from campus I can walk into this:

This weekend I dabbled in painting for 2-D design. The results are okay for my first reall attempt at painting, but technique could definitely be improved.

(You might recognize those as being the scene in the first pic of chester park. oh yeah, the name of the huge nature area with waterfalls and shit is CHESTER park. I love named name Chester, though Trent is cooler. Hell, Chester doesn't even exist!)

So… yeah. Outside is pretty, yet I still find myself in dormdoom a lot. I did take a walk in the rain on Saturday which resulted in me getting very very wet. Whoda thunkit?

Oh… I drew this on Sunday for contents of a box assignment for Drawing I. I'm gonna get a bad grade I think, but it was fun.

In his bathtub at R'lyeh, dead Cthulhu lies dreaming...

Err… heh. next weekend is going to be really really amazing because Maren in Duluth and Rainer and and doom and space imploding and all sorts of wonderful things. I'm pumped, but I really need to get homework done before then. I'm thinking… tomorrow. Yes, tomorrow I will rock at the homework.

Crap… I need to find two kids from my comp class to workshop the paper I have yet to write. Have I mentioned that reading my causes brain damage, cause, you know, it does.

As a bonus to people out there who don't like all these damn pictures and long ass entries, they'll stop soon. Once I get my college art portfolio page up I won't need to keep posting them here, cause I can look at prettiness elsewhere. Hehe.

Earlier today I was listening to Rocky Raccoon on repeat because I heard it last night and really needed to hear it a lot more. I might start again soon, because this coffee + that… I'll be climbing the doom walls! Oooh… by Thursday I need to collage a big version of those landscapes I painted. That'll be fun, but a lot of work.

Sorry that I'm all over the place, but it's a flow of consciousness sorta thing. This is how topherbrain ™ works.

Last night was kinda weird… I was walking to get myself a free pizza feeling all alone and then I came upon two finely dressed chums of mine… Then I ate pizza on another date with Maria face while Mike ate a meatball sandwich. We did some underground sabotage type stuff, very hush hush you see.

Then Mike came back stinking of gin and proceeded to lay on the table… Wait, no. I dunno, I just felt very out of place with Maria and Mike for awhile and felt like I was intruding, but went along for driving/photo-project doom anyway. I was sitting in the back seat of Mike's car and feeling very very depressed and I wasn't sure why. I just get this gnawing sensation in the back of my mind sometimes that there's these wonderful people with these wonderful connections to each other that I'm intruding on and can never be a part of. That's social anxiety for ya… I got better though! There's lots of amazing stuff in and around Duluth that you can drive/walk through and it's like you're in another world entirely (I don't steal any ideas from other's deadjournals… nope… not at all). After driving for a long time we hung out on Maria's porch and chatted on a couch under a blanket. It reminded me of Brookingslove and I felt less suckcore.

I feel fat today. Rainer said I'm being girly, and he's goddamn right. I think my emotional state is kinda comparable to a skipping stone…

Every time the stone hits the water, it's a period of depression. The first skips are farther apart, like a month/3 weeks between these funks that I get into, but the stone is slowing down and the time period is shrinking to a week to a couple of days, soon I'm just gonna sink.

Or the rock will be abducted by aliens and taken to heaven where there are parties every day! I'm only an emo fuck when I really think about it. I dunno, I'm not too worried, these are just little bouts of sadness that come from the whole new experience of college and getting adjusted to the life and ness. Hwua. Things aren't quite settled yet, which is perfectly fine.

In TopherRomance (patent pending) I have this to say: “Ungh.” More gay people does not equal better options. The person in the back of my mind that seems really right is like eight hours away and the best possibilities here aren't possibilities at all. Heh, Topher the hopeless romantic is kinda a sad tale. I should write a clever children's book about a stuffed animal that keeps falling in love with impossible things like his shadow, a rock, a porceline (er..) doll and such. In the end the teddy bear realizes that he's not real, thus love isn't meant for him, just everything else around him… He pulls out his stitches and bursts into stuffing just as his perfect teddy bear companion rounds the corner, teaching everyone a valuable lesson about anti-depressants.

Yep, I'm definitely in a weird mood. Hey, wouldya listen to that, coin operated boy is playing! Ungh. Last weekend I tried unsuccessfully to seduce Dan C. No dice. This weekend my seducto powers will be turned to full blast, so I might just hafta end up having a threesome with Maria and Maren or something to make the frustration end.

Ooh, maybe the sequel to the story of the teddy bear could be about the new teddy bear that comes upon the pile of stuffing, he lays down in it and is embraced fully but for only a moment. From then on the new teddy bear tries to find that same feeling of security and comfort, but he goes to all the wrong places. He turns to the pet dog who bites him, and while similar in feeling, is totally different in nature. In the end he finds what he thinks he wants in a vice grip which slowly kills him.

Then in the third book all the other stuffed animals do lots of E and have a rave because the fucking manic depressive bears are finally gone. 🙂

It's all about cognitive restructuring. If I could just retrain my mind to expect less/nothing, it wouldn't be a problem. It's what method some people use to get over their shyness: they analyze their own illogical fears and beliefs and realize their flaws and just toss them out. I need to realize that a boyfriend would not cure all of my problems and that I am not alone. There's so much in this world. (According to ym, I'm almost ready for a boyfriend! I'm still not quite well adjusted! wheeeeee). Impatience never used to be a problem… I watch too many movies.

I will persist even after I've been kissed goodbye for the last time! I'll keep on trying! I think that's about all though… I've got a bathtub full of money to go swim in!

er.. I lied naturally. These kids have never seen a David Lynch film (though naturally everyone owns the Lost Highway soundtrack regardless…) so I need to organize a LynchFest… which means I kinda want to buy all of those horrible movies… which is, you know, horrible.

I leave you with this question: Why do we always want that which we cannot have?

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