I'm currently addicted to flaming lips. No, this is not a medical condition, it's a band. Band band bandy band. For Wednesday I have an MRI at 1:00 and then I get some sort of heart monitor. I think I'll skip out on the animated goodies show. I shall call Emma and Jon to figure out doomness. I hope to finish up some homework and start on my photography self portrait project. Speaking of which…
I was trying on my old clothes. It's weird playing dressup in your old closet. I wanted to find my black cords because that's how Emma defined old me and it seemed fitting. I found a few of my “cool people” shirts. Heh. I think I went directly from children's clothes to XL t-shirts. Small and medium never seemed to be an option.
There's a lovely picture of me from four years ago with long hair, big round glasses, and a south park t-shirt. I found the t-shirt, now to locate the glasses. For my project I'm thinking of making transparenices of old pictures and projecting them onto myself. It's either self image or some sort of vision of romance for me. I think inserting myself into romantic clichés solo would be amusing. Topher in a field, topher with candlelit dinner, topher walking on a beach, etc. Perhaps wearing only a frown and a tutu would accentuate the sadness of my soul. Hehe.
I feel empty and sick when I don't create. I NEED to get to work on my website again or I may perish from this earth. So much to do and no willpower to do it. I think I need to stop taking this medication. I don't want to sleep hours and hours everyday. Insomniacs are more glamorous than loafs.
Sometimes I think I should be more morbid and alternative, but then I think that's just changing to “fit in” and it'd be a lie. I should be comfortable being me, but who am I? More and more lately I feel… false? I picture it like a city that expands and creates facades instead of fixing the core issues. Underneath, it's just hollow and all they're doing is keeping up appearances, but facades crack easily. I can't tell if I'm happy or just pretending. I think I'll be better able to tell once I'm back in Duluth. Brooksville and I are not in alignment. I hope things change for the better this summer. They will, I just have to make them.
my biggest concern right now is a total lack of pictures of bridget and I together. this is a travesty!
I was looking through old pictures trying to figure out who I look like. All I could determine was that my mom and I looked very similar when we were both young. I'll post photographic evidence later. I've never seen similarities between me and my father.
Lately my thoughts have changed from “needboyfriendneedboyfriendneedboyfriendneverbecomplete” to “I sure have a lot of free time. I enjoy going on walks and adventures. I think I'd be fun to be with and share these experience. Shucks!” I think that's slightly more mature? Last week a huge blow was dealt to my idealism. Let's hope the damage is permanent. Though I must admit, these two situations still seem pleasant:
a.) Falling in love to/through music. Very idealistic and a result of Andyness and Oasis and Wonderwall. The Flaming Lips- Do You Realize is one of my current favorite songs. It's perfect happy ending let's love each forever music. I should cut it out of my brain and patch the hole with thrash.
b.) Talking/getting to know some boy at school in class or otherwise, friendship -> flirting -> whee. I don't meet nearly enough gay people in the real world. It's important to meet people without the internet. I think this is worded wrong. I know a lot of gays now from QSU and other things, but I want dating options not from the net. That's important to me now.
I think that sounds about right. Here's to tomorrow (notice how I didn't say tomorry)!