I hate that due to my unhealthy relationship with technology I have to wake up in the morning and see my Facebook status changed in order for reality to set it.

Then I have to go to MySpace and see his status is changed there too. I was hoping to prolong the illusion longer for some reason.

I do not know what to do with myself. At 14 months, it was 9 months longer than any previous relationship and far more meaningful. I still love him, but the summer was a struggle. Last Tuesday when things were getting better he told me he had been fooling around with a 19 year old since May. And how did he tell me this, you may ask. In bed, after a nice night out.

“Amos can't technically consider himself a virgin anymore.”

Why do you say that Matt?

“Because I fucked him today.”

I still haven't caught my breath. We had discussed opening the relationship, but never seriously. A week before with permission I fooled around with Tyler, Matt's ex, the one I met him through when I was a freshman in college. They were in an open relationship at the time with the condition that they told each other about who they were sleeping with. The day I met Matt, Ty told me he had not said anything to Matt about us. A week later, Matt and I were making out on his parent's couch. The relationship had a fucked up past to begin with, but we had long overcome the weirdness. Until I asked to hang out with his ex. He could have told me then about Amos. It might not have mattered as much then. Instead, he felt threatened and escalated the situation. Amos was a virgin.

If this entry is circular and disjointed, it's because that's how my mind has been running for the past week. I want to be with Matt still, but I can no longer trust him. I made mistakes too, and I think I made them because the relationship was unstable. Matt and I changed a lot for each other, but we hit a wall. I want to hit a wall. When I write about it, Matt sounds terrible and the situation is fucked, but when I think about it I just want to call him and say I made a mistake. I can't accept what happened. Fooling around with his ex was stupid and selfish, but him going behind my back for so long when we were on the rocks and trying to work through things is complete shit.

Warning. Extreme Bitchfest approaching.

I felt so guilty all summer for being a bad boyfriend and for being distant when I was busy trying to balance my extreme list of responsibilities with the worst work ethic ever. We got into fights this summer because I was on the phone with my mom and best friend instead of entertaining his guests. We argued over whether street art or graffiti. He yelled at me for not defending him when played devil's argument with my friends just to start a fight. He didn't come to my best friend's wedding because they got into an argument about letting his friend bum one cigarette. He never says thank you when I buy dinner. He did not say thank you when I made him a photo album of pictures of us and his friends because he was too busy reading Harry Potter. He refused to get me a band-aid when my shins were bleeding at his house because he told me what I did was a stupid idea. When I tried to give him the shirts I bought him in San Francisco, he left them behind twice. I had to physically bring them to his room and he still didn't say thank you. He told me things started with Amos because I was “distant.” I was distant because it was finals time of my senior year of college.

Augh. I still want to forget everything and be able to spend the night with him again. I guess that's normal. Before him, I barely felt I was worth three weeks of someone's time. I am insecure as it is, and he totally fucked me over by fooling around with some 19 year old who I sort of considered a friend. I feel like this is a karmic back stab for our history. He didn't say remorse. He said regret. And he didn't say I love you in the past few days when it would have made all the difference to me.

I need more time to process because I don't think it's for the better yet.

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