It is Friday night at 1:11am, and I am drinking tea and eating yoghurt + granola in a desperate attempt to stay awake. I have this great big idea that caffeine + late nights will = writing and productivity. All I feel is tired and syncopated. This yoghurt is a bit of a letdown… and I bought three pots of it. ugh. Well, I feel slightly more awake at this particular second.

It worries me that my box of 50 tea bags is nearly gone after less than a month. I tend to make one-three cups from a single bag. At the start of the year I bought a box of 80-100 which lasted six months. Everything at the end is speeding up, it would seem. I bought ten postcard and 10 letter stamps today. I bought that many at the beginning of the year, and the letters lasted me up until before break. We shall see how it goes. In about a week it will no longer be advisable to send me mail, as I might never get it. This means mail me pretties now! Then you can start sending things to Brookings for me to discover on my joyous return.

My move to Duluth this summer is looking more likely. It would be a favor to Jill (at the cost of three months rent to me… how am I ever going to find a real job to cover rent and put things into savings? agh.). Life is a string of conundrums. I probably can't find decent work in Brookings, but if I live in Duluth I have to pay rent. I do not want to work in a factory because I am a pansy face.

I do not want to be twenty and at home. I never saw myself as being this dependent at this age, but I would guess no one does. It bothers me how many real world things I have missed out on or been seriously delayed in my development. Adult people used to claim I was emotionally mature. I doubt I can even claim that any more. I worry I plateued awhile ago, but maybe that is just one of those logical fallacies I so admire.

I won't find my answers at the bottom of a coffee cup, teacup, or tea stained and flower emblazoned mug. This, this is too silly. This past week has been a joke. I cannot handle being near always on internet because it makes me go braindead. I do nothing but stare at it. I'm not even doing fake productive thing like posting in forums. I am just staring blankly. Something must be done about this. This yoghurt that is, ick.

I was invited (by the popular kids!) to drink in someone's room this night. I was going to, but I was too cheap to get off the bus to buy booze, so I felt guilty and lazy, which is why I am here and drinking tea. I could be anywhere and drinking tea, even Brookings. My “need” to escape to Duluth this summer because I “can't handle” Brookings is irrational and immature in its own way. I never rebelled as a teenager, I just spent all my mother's money starting at age 18. People often need to state that they are 19 in their journals, so I guess that is what this is. I am 19. Fuck if I, or anyone for that matter, knows what is going on. At least I am starting to understand that I will never understand?

Things seem to be working themselves out lately when I don't worry about them, so perhaps I should travel via that route. I have already gone back and forth on the Duluth issue several times. I am wishy washy. This is pointless because it is something everyone goes through. Maybe I just need to say it as part of the process. Maybe I should be in bed and be revising my work habits.

So long thanks for all the fish.

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