things that make me feel nostalgic:
1. caffeine shakes
2. talking to heath from last summer, who still exists
3. reading someone else's first year college experience, in reverse
(why do i find such beauty in the life and words of others? i feel little and stupid when i read my own entries. probably because most of them are little and stupid. heh)
4. phonecalls, steph, and triaries
5. “underground” (i was never cool in school)
6. an e-mail from prokop (july 18th!!)
things that make me anxious:
1. people
2. caffeine shakes
3. seeing the back of someone i think i know, hiding, only to have them turn around and be someone completely different. (i didn't think black trenchcoats over navy hoodies was that common of a fashion item.)
4. the future, the past, the present
yesterday i wore the akira shirt i purchased a few years ago and never wore because it was too small. my sister took it, but i traded her my space cowboy shirt to retrieve it. maria asked me if it was from when i was fat. greg, friend of a friend and going to england, asked if i had stretch marks. i do, i do!
the bar below my desk has been unscrewed by the nervous motions of my feet. tonight i'm watching nowhere with mike and random duluth gays. i wonder if i'll fit in. i think they'll all critique the movie and i'll feel hurt. haha, that's a bit dramatic.
i think i'll get a spot in ceramics in britan after all. thank goodness. my advisor didn't know anything so i'm being forwarded to the head of the school of fine arts/graphic design stuff. he's the professor for my visual literacy night class and the father of natalie and trevor, two friends of mine. not that he knows that.
i feel more comfortable around bridget than i've ever really felt around anyone. when it's just me and her, nothing else matters. other people put me outside of myself. i become awkward and my consciousness switches into an out of body experience. it's like i'm watching a show of me fail at life. also a bit dramatic.
i think dramatic moments in real life, when they're purposely overdramatic and humorous, are amazing and should happen more often. i think if i would have done a few of those in the past few months, life would be fun. life is fun. bridget and i went to the mall today and saw natalie. that was fun. we took the bus. it takes about an hour to get from here to there because we have to go downtown first.
i enjoy everything about experience like this. the people, the bus, the view, the city. i'm growing dependent on the lake and the architecture of duluth. brookings with its vacant streets, artificial trees, low lying roofs, and eternal lack of lakes, hills, and etc. will kill me. there will be people, but i feel like i've alienated everyone in my past to some degree. i e-mailed alex on his birthday and never get a response. i've screwed up so many times. i hope maren gets summer figured out in a way that doesn't involve her parents killing her.
i hope my mom doesn't kill me. i don't think i'll know how to act in the place of my childhood. i hope my art is better for it. i always say suffering/circumstances will cause my art to improve but i'm also too lazy and find other distractions. be it reading, walking, the internet, or paint by numbers last supper.
i should call bryan. i haven't really had a conversation with him for awhile. i'm too paranoid, but hope i've not screwed something up. yesterday i really wanted to be listening to his music. i bet i could use this bar i unscrewed to bludgeon the abominable snowman to death. i wonder if collin found this, if he'd understand my sense of humor. i look at my friends and the people that i know and realize they are beautiful.
may everything be beautiful for you.
what's your damage?