There I am, balls deep in Whatever comics…
Bleargh. I think this person e-mailed me and I was too lazy to respond. Me = lame. I love seeing the art develop over time in webcomics, it's so neat how it works.
-anyway-
I'm a worthless human being who should be writing an essay, but is instead deadjournaling… again. I also should have written a letter to Kurt Vonnegut, but I didn't. Yep.
Anyway, something has been in the back of my mind for awhile…
Love is something that cycles through my mind on a regular basis (I should mark a calendar to see how regular… hmm), and thinking about it has caused me to come to a conclusions…
It's not gonna work out when it finally happens. Well, I tend to exaggerate and such, but it's gonna be hard. This is largely due to an unhealthy dating career (or, you know, a non-apparent one). My eternal soul (ha… I was debating with myself last night if I believed in one, I still think my belief lies somewhere in the transfer of energy… the brain is an electrochemical organ!).
Okay, so you've got this whole soul-love-crystal thingy, and everytime you love someone, you give them a piece of it, and if you really love someone you give them the whole thing and they give you their's and it's all like this combining of people into one smiley face, err, that's Hedwig I think.
Yeah… I think I shattered mine. I tend to spread my love a bit too quickly. Looking back to the Triary notebook thing, or you know, any journal I've kept in the past year or two it's littered with phrases like “could this be love?!” “I think this is love!” “it must be love!” and… yeah, I've gotten better… at not keeping evidence… but I still do it somewhat. It just seems that at some point I decided to take a hammer to the damn crystal thing and hand out the pieces as a door prize. Hell, I throw pieces at people who don't know or don't care about me.
I think this love stuff also relates to my inability to keep any part of myself personal. In terms of the… Johari (I think) squares of personality, I've got like no hidden self and a huge ass public self. My blind spots are known to me, but I don't change them, and yeah, I've got no secrets really. Blargh.
A huge part of me still exists (wrong word I think) for Andy, and that was a three month net relationship. I'm entirely changed in many aspects because of him, and I've like… talked to him once since it all ended. It's quite possible that I mean nothing to him.
Other people I've managed to yank the pieces back from a little bit, but it's still not something I could put together in any meaningful way. I feel kinda like I had this collection of broken pieces that I ended up handing to Derick! and then it was off to college. Stupid timing. There could quite possibly be something there, but I've been deprived by circumstances. Augh, I know I'm over dramatic with the love thing, but I'm a hopeless romantic who's ready to give himself over completely on a moment's notice.
I think high school romance is a valuable and necessary thing… of which I was deprived. Yay… college?
Am I still searching for the beautiful black haired boy or have I found the one and I just don't know it? I suck at everything. (This entry was a lot more poetic in my head, thank you and good night.)
but then again… is love necessary when surrounded by so many good friends (or you know… having access to people who are far away and crap). my brain certainly seems to think so. I demand a relationship I can dive into without bounds, limits, and restrictions! Without the internet! (I also demand to be the king of space, but you sure as hell don't see that happening.)