Not exactly, but heh, when does it?

This is merely a scattered collection of thoughts and memories from the past week, arguably one of the better weeks this summer, despite human tension.

So… right. We, being me and incidentally Maren and Brandi, decided to go to Canada.

So last Tuesday at 6am, we did. Avast, Winnipeg ho! Winnipeg was cool because #1 it was a big city and #2 it was in Canada. You can hardly go wrong there. It’s really amazing to think about roads and their relationships to cities and how they caused each other to grow and develop and vice versa. Omaha, Sioux City, Brookings, Sioux Falls, Fargo, Grand Forks, Winnipeg, Morris Canada, and so on and so forth are all along the same stretch of road as well as however many towns south of us and inbetween. It’s moreorless a straight shot from Dallas to Winnipeg. Anyway, that’s not really the point.

Sometimes early in the morning low lying fog or condensation or whatever makes the area between Brookings and Watertown look almost like Ireland. It’s amazing to see cows just hanging out in what seems to be a cloud bank five feet off the ground.

It’s also amazing how a trip to Canada can seem more like a trip to Japan, well, Asia at least. The first place we stopped in Canada was the small town of Morris. This was after border patrol more or less waved us through. “Got IDs?” “How long you going to stay?” “Have fun!” It is so much easier to get into Canada than it is to get out. The North Dakota border patrol man seemed to want us dead. “You smoke?” “Any of you smokers?” “ANY SMOKERS IN THE CAR?! DOOOOOOOOM!” He, the man with no skin, said this as he glared into our vehicle. Ungh.

Anyway, in Morris we ate at a nice little Chinese restaurant. Fully licensed dining room! And etc. It was close to Stampede Days in Morris. Very exciting. This was also our first experience with Canadian tipping. In sum: we suck at it. We suck hard.

And then we arrived in Winnipeg without even knowing it. “Is this Winnipeg?” “I dunno.” Maren naturally saw a few signs saying “Welcome to Winnipeg!” when my sister and I did not. To our credit, however, my sister counted five signs marking the Aberdeen exit. *snicker*

Canadian malls are a lot like any other mall. Except they have couches. And a lot of beautiful people. And scary French clothing stores with even scarier French mannequins. Oh, excuse me, Freedom Mannequins. (Heh, like every street sign and billboard has to have two different languages. “Welcome to Sainte Jean Baptiste!” “Bienvenu!”) Also, while in a Canadian mall, one must be careful to examine a store’s contents before commenting.
Me: Hey, Brandi, you could get a swimming suit there!
*Brandi slaps Topher
Brandi: That’s the fat store!
Erm. Oops. Oh yes, while in that upscale mall, St. Vital, we were sitting on a couch and the employee of some girl’s clothing botique was totalling checking me out. Or the plant behind me. Hmm. I’m pretty sure it was me, which made me embarassed and which made Brandi feel the need to get on top of me. Or something. My memory’s kinda fuzzy.

On that first night… drinking drinking drinking coca coca cola. Err. Not really. I dunno. We had spent the day driving around Winnipeg attempting to find places from this tourist magazine from the hotel. The French Quarter. China Town. St. Boniface. St. Vital. Osbourne Village. Little Italy. And so on. We ended our evening in Little Italy where we had a nice meal outside with a waiter who looked like a very sad and tragic GAP model. Maybe that was just me. We later ended up at another place in Little Italy open until 2 or 3 or something so we sat. Drinking is legal at 18 in Canada. I did not want to drink. I was very paranoid about it and since I’d never done it before, didn’t want to start now. I said “water please.” The waiter said “there’s a $4.95 minimum.” So that’s when I said “Smirnoff Ice.” Feh. I won’t say it was horrible, but it’s not like my life rose to some unseen level of perfection. And the combination of Smirnoff Ice and very salty chips and spinach dip is something that tastes absolutely horrible.

So I washed it down with the remainder of Maren’s strawberry thing. Heh.

I don’t know if I actually got slighlty intoxicated or if it was just the placebo effect because I decided to start talking more, and for those of you who know me, you know that if I was to say more that normal… well, it’s not a good thing. It wasn’t really that bad, though Brandi did say I (my directions) were the worst part of the day. That pissed me off.

Mmm. More Canada stuff happened. We attempted to go to a Gay Club but got there as it closed. A lesbian checked out Brandi. I was wearing alligator shoes and very sad (even if it was my fault for nervously stalling). Everyone in Canada seems to be gay, and that’s from more than just me. My sister agreed too I think. Then again, my gaydar seems to equate pretty with gay, and everyone in Canada is pretty…

Ahh yeah, speaking of that. I saw my true love in a thrift store in Winnipeg. He had a baby blue shirt on and dirty blonde hair. Sex on legs. Ahh well.

When we were in Winnipeg, we came to learn that Wednesday, the 16th, was the beginning of the Fringe Theatre Festival which is like the coolest thing ever. A few weeks of constant theatre performances all over the town. We saw three plays, but could’ve even seen more. It’s a shame that we didn’t, but the plays we did see… wow.

Imagine The Raven. Imagine seeing someone perform it… three feet from you… in a small room, where you’re one of the five people in the room. It was pornographic intimacy. It was really cool. After that we ran unnecessisarily to a bar down the street where a certain Hedwig and the Angry Inch was performing… You’ve seen the movie. You’ve heard the songs. And stuff… but have you fricken seen the live stage performance with real musicians and a real Hedwig that talks and walks around and comes into the audience and… wow. Like… imagine you go to the Moose Lodge or something to see the Dead… but instead of the Dead, Hedwig and the Angry Inch is playing. I can’t describe how cool it was. Hedwig told us her… his.. whatever life story. Played a filmstrip with excerpts from the fully illustrated journal. Put on a fur coat. Walked to the side of the bar, opened a door, to reveal the one and only Tommy Gnosis was playing across the street… holy shit. I can’t properly put it into words.

And has anyone, ANYONE heard of the band Tequila Mockingbird? Dave Barry or someone has once mentioned it. The reason I ask is because the person that played Hedwig is from that band. The other band members were from the Vagiants and some other band. It was cool. It was the movie come to life.

Enough about that. The other play we saw was 69 Moments of Life. Experimental Gay Theatre… heh. That’s about all I can say. Besides the fact it was in an auditorium in a planetarium, featured a mimed blowjob, and there were several old ladies sitting behind us.

Canada’s freaking amazing. More happened, but eh. Screw the GST.

Came back late Thursday night (after one of the best conversations I’ve had ever. Let alone with just Maren.). The next day it was time to head to Duluth. As far as anything else in my life goes, I’m unsure, but I do know that Duluth is the right place for me. From the first time I drove into the city at 2am and it was lit up like Christmas… I knew it was right. It just feels like home (even if I’m unsure about my major). I don’t have too much to say besides Duluth is awesome and I have a cellphone now. Ask me for the number, because I don’t know it yet. Oh, I also saw my true love there. He was wearing a grey shirt and had brown hair. He kept ending up in the same stores I was in.

Then we went to Minneapolis. The Mall of America is starting to make me sick. Too damn many people which caused me to hardly buy anything (besides a new Mac laptop G4 Powerbook which I’ll get someday… because my mom’s credit card company thinks it was a fraudulent purchase.)

The next day, however, on the way out of town I noticed we drove through Eden Prairie and past the mall, which you may or may not know, is the shooting sight of Kevin Smith’s wonderful Mallrats. There was a Hot Topic with a huge ass selection and no one inside. Only one employee. It was weird. I got pants. More on that in a few days… hehe. I saw a Mrs. Fields seperate from the food court that sold pretzels. I don’t think they were chocolate covered however. There was also an elevator… that was glass. A glass elevator in a mall with three floors. That must’ve been one hell of a quickie.

As far as I can tell however, the mall is a completely different place now. During filming the mall was mostly empty and they put in fake storefronts. Now, the mall is some super-elitist place with brick fireplaces and wood paneling and lots of good stores. Bought more there than at the MoA. It was neat.

Oh, and on Monday night after we got home the family went for a nice dinner, and I told my mom I’m gay.

Ta ta!

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