things that make me feel nostalgic:
1. caffeine shakes
2. talking to heath from last summer, who still exists
3. reading someone else's first year college experience, in reverse
(why do i find such beauty in the life and words of others? i feel little and stupid when i read my own entries. probably because most of them are little and stupid. heh)
4. phonecalls, steph, and triaries
5. “underground” (i was never cool in school)
6. an e-mail from prokop (july 18th!!)

things that make me anxious:
1. people
2. caffeine shakes
3. seeing the back of someone i think i know, hiding, only to have them turn around and be someone completely different. (i didn't think black trenchcoats over navy hoodies was that common of a fashion item.)
4. the future, the past, the present

yesterday i wore the akira shirt i purchased a few years ago and never wore because it was too small. my sister took it, but i traded her my space cowboy shirt to retrieve it. maria asked me if it was from when i was fat. greg, friend of a friend and going to england, asked if i had stretch marks. i do, i do!

the bar below my desk has been unscrewed by the nervous motions of my feet. tonight i'm watching nowhere with mike and random duluth gays. i wonder if i'll fit in. i think they'll all critique the movie and i'll feel hurt. haha, that's a bit dramatic.

i think i'll get a spot in ceramics in britan after all. thank goodness. my advisor didn't know anything so i'm being forwarded to the head of the school of fine arts/graphic design stuff. he's the professor for my visual literacy night class and the father of natalie and trevor, two friends of mine. not that he knows that.

i feel more comfortable around bridget than i've ever really felt around anyone. when it's just me and her, nothing else matters. other people put me outside of myself. i become awkward and my consciousness switches into an out of body experience. it's like i'm watching a show of me fail at life. also a bit dramatic.

i think dramatic moments in real life, when they're purposely overdramatic and humorous, are amazing and should happen more often. i think if i would have done a few of those in the past few months, life would be fun. life is fun. bridget and i went to the mall today and saw natalie. that was fun. we took the bus. it takes about an hour to get from here to there because we have to go downtown first.

i enjoy everything about experience like this. the people, the bus, the view, the city. i'm growing dependent on the lake and the architecture of duluth. brookings with its vacant streets, artificial trees, low lying roofs, and eternal lack of lakes, hills, and etc. will kill me. there will be people, but i feel like i've alienated everyone in my past to some degree. i e-mailed alex on his birthday and never get a response. i've screwed up so many times. i hope maren gets summer figured out in a way that doesn't involve her parents killing her.

i hope my mom doesn't kill me. i don't think i'll know how to act in the place of my childhood. i hope my art is better for it. i always say suffering/circumstances will cause my art to improve but i'm also too lazy and find other distractions. be it reading, walking, the internet, or paint by numbers last supper.

i should call bryan. i haven't really had a conversation with him for awhile. i'm too paranoid, but hope i've not screwed something up. yesterday i really wanted to be listening to his music. i bet i could use this bar i unscrewed to bludgeon the abominable snowman to death. i wonder if collin found this, if he'd understand my sense of humor. i look at my friends and the people that i know and realize they are beautiful.

may everything be beautiful for you.

what's your damage?

pen-pen's doing fine, but needs to speak with you. daily!

I watched a movie called 100 Girls with Mike and Heather. I think Thora Birch cameod once or twice in it. The best part was when it was revealed that a character suffered from none other than… HYPOSPADIUS!

Today at brunch Mike wrote hypospadius in the Greek alphabet. Ha. I felt the need to share this with all of you. I also saw Gothika which I rate with a resounding, “MEH!” Ayep.

Tra la bla, doom and gloom.

Thursday night was a blast, I purchased a polaroid camera and hung out with Natalie and Bridget for awhile. Eventually John and Anna showed up, but then they left. crazy how that works! Anyway, U.S.U.Q. planned their official Florida roadtrip, which will be a blast, even if it's unrealistic and overlaps a certain doctor's appointment… doh.

Polaroids make everyone look… special. Heh, something about them. Ooh, look at this hot action, though as a disclaimer, Natalie is in fact not a lesbian, she's just dating one.

By that I of course mean she's bisexualllll. Friday. Yeah, we're not going to talk about that. I've made some poor decisions in college and some horrible things have happened as a result of that.

Saturday many many people were gone home for Easter, but lunch Mike and Heather are still here. The three of us went downtown and chilled for awhile, it was great fun. Heather's going to England next year and I've known Mike as long as anyone at college, but I've just recently started hanging out with him and such. I'm an ass sometimes.

This… was necessary.

As a fun visual illusion, block her head, and note how the contours of the shoes are perfect for her arms. It's freaky!

Here we see lunch Mike reading up on history, or.. Mother Goose. He's an intellectual!

I did better than him on the last Classical Themes in Art History test. Broohaha. He wars a Mr. Rogers sweater, what a silly person. I'm feeling bipolar lately, and I blame coffee. IT'S THE ONLY ANSWER!

There's so much homework I should be doing, but instead I've spread art supplies all over my room. I think It's going to be a late night. Yay. This is assuming I don't crash into a deep dark pit of despair, like my soul. Amazing sitting powers. I need to find the right music for my mood.

Oh what a marvelous weekend. Riding the greyhound is very calming to me, so maybe I should waste lots of my moms money from now on for trips to the cities.

I'd say he's worth it, don't you?

Look, he can be cute and dorky like me!

He's also damn sexy

Erm.. I'm amazing at everything!

Look, I can be a trashy ghetto ho like him! *snicker*

sex me up!

Wow. It was a very fun and romantic weekend. I devoted Sunday to being a moron (took a roll of pictures with no film in the camera. doh!) I shall scan some of those photographs later. I'm currently reaching a state of awe in terms of my existence. Bryan is so amazing and talented and shit, and I'm meeeee. A lazy college student who likes to procrastinate. Everytime he looks at me I just freeze and don't know what to do. I want to stare into his existence, but instead I just feel giddy/awkward and squirm. I must release my joy into art!

teehee… I may not be going home for easter but he's coming here so all is well with the world. All issues are minor and silly and will make my art grittier!