Clarity of design and content is important in preventing disasters.
So I think I just had my first experience of leading someone on. Ack. Maybe gay boys can't just be friends. We'd hung out three times. Had a few beers the first. Dinner and Batman the second. Watched a movie tonight. I could feel him inching closer and closer on the couch but failed to stop it. When the movie finished with his arm around me we sat in silence for a few minutes before I broke into the “here's the thing” speech. He never asked if I had a boyfriend, but I never volunteered the information either. There hadn't been any sort of physical thing, but he probably thought we were taking it slow. I am a jerk. Maybe there's an episode of the Sex and the City that covers this.
On the bright side… probably a good experience to have. Assuming I ever find another gay friend I'll be a bit more forward about my relationship status. At least we didn't make out. Then I'd have been a really really big prick.
Shit.
MTV's Undressed has a plethora of clips on YouTube.
I watched this in secret in high school late at night. Despite the horrific awfulness of it, it was comforting to see some sort of gay on tv. There's not much gay in the day to day life of South Dakota. It fits into my love of trashy gayness with poor acting.
I need to see the second season of Dante's Cove.
Cough.
taken from
A) people who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs & replace any question that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.
B) tag 8 people to do this quiz & those who are tagged cannot refuse. these people must state who they were tagged by & cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by. continue this game by sending it to other people.
I tag : anyone who still uses livejournal
01. which celebrity would you like to meet and why?
Amanda Palmer of the Dresden Dolls has always seemed like an intensely interesting and artistic person who might not be totally intimidating. Wait, no, she'd be intimidating as fuck to talk to. I did always want to meet Kurt Vonnegut and Robert Rauschenberg, but they're dead now.
02. what do you do before bedtime?
Stare at the internet for a few years.
03. what will your dream wedding be like?
Possible. Legal. Universally accepted?
04. what is the city of your dreams and why?
I always said I wanted to live somewhere with a train, and now I'm in Chicago. It's pretty dreamy so far. I think I'd prefer living in Berlin though.
05. are you an introvert or extrovert?
Introvert! People are scary. I wish I talked more. Or at least wrote. Sometimes I feel like I'm dying because there's not a consistent exchange of ideas from my head to the outside world.
06. who was your celebrity crush last year?
Sufjan was probably more of an '06 thing… How about Peter Stickles from Shortbus? Or Paul Dawson on an emotional level and Jay Brannan on a physical level.
07. do you trust easily?
I don't feel I put myself in a position to need to trust anyone. So no?
08. if the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?
That person is probably straight too, so the answer is write erotic fiction about them.
09. is there anything that has made you unhappy these days?
This fiasco of a career search.
10. so you have a good body-image?
I've had manboobs for about 12 years now.
11. is being tagged fun?
I wouldn't know. Cough.
12. what websites do you visit daily?
erm… this list would be embarrassingly long due to all the webcomics I keep up on as well as my social networking addictions.
13. who are currently the most important people to you?
the boyfriend and the two best friends Maren and Bridget
14. what kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
the sexy french canadian kind
15. what
Why was I not informed this movie existed? Nathan Bexton as the awkward gay high schooler crushing on the straight jock. I need to hunt Play Dead down somewhere. It doesn't seem to be on Amazon. Jerks.
There's simply not enough Nathan Bexton in this world.
Tonight I chatted with a self-described maker of “fag films.” Very interesting. There is an entire history of queer cinema that I've never heard of need to get into. I was recommended Fox and His Friends, so that's somewhere to start (beyond Sebastianne and the John Waters films I've seen).
The guy's stuff kind of reminds me of Gregg Araki. I don't know what about the terrible over-acting of his characters (or under if you're speaking James Duvall) that so appeals to me. Maybe that's not the best way to describe the characters in his films. I've never taken anything beyond an intro film class, so I lack the vocabulary.
Anyway, something about this scene from a film he did called Flush really appeals to me:
Here's a full-length short called “I Hate Faggy Fag Fag” he did. This is why I hate gay people. Or why I think I hate gay people. Or I think gay people are like this so I hate myself. Or I hate myself because I want to be these gay people. I've gone cross eyed.
As predicted, Sigur Ros was not in attendance.
What the hell was that?
Tonight I went with Chad and a friend of his first to Ed Debevics. Debevics is a cross between one of those awful “the waiter is mean” restaurants and TGI Fridays/kitschy 50s diner. There were paper hats and wait staff singing and doing choreography on the counters. Yeah. Chad said it felt like a Wes Anderson film, but I think it felt a bit more like David Lynch. Only more banal (I wanted that to sound pretentious, but what does it mean? All the more pretentious I guess).
Following our joyful tourist dining hellhole, we were off to his friend's house(condo)warming party. On the way we decided it would be a great idea if Chad played Dieter, a Flemmish Francophone, and if I played Janni, a Danish mute. I thought this was a great idea since parties full of people I don't know generally make me anxious. Unfortunately, everyone at the party turned out to be gay DePaul students who seemed really nice. I for some reason was unable to fess up to the farce and felt like an asshole all night. There were only a few people there and everyone was really friendly. Agh. Stupid stupid stupid. I stood in the corner saying nothing all night. It's like a bad dream or just a terrible metaphor for my life.
And Chad noticed my hickey, which is an awkward story. Bud saw it the first day after lying and saying I was going to hang out with Chad. No one wants to believe I got hit with a stick. Such a dumb pointless mistake. Matt needs to get here so we can live happily ever after or else it can blow up in our faces. It's that time in the cycle again, and it doesn't help that he's still in Duluth. I'm looking at guys on the internet when really I just want him to be here. I just can't read him. He seems to have way different views on sex than I do, but instead of saying he wanted an open relationship last summer he just cheated on me instead. I can't decide if sex matters or not because everyone else's view gets in the way first. I want to say it should be holy, but that's bullshit when you don't believe in anything. Does monogamy make the relationship or does love? It's not like I wouldn't mind being a makeout slut, but letting a guy kiss me turns into letting a guy mark territory that's not his on my neck.
So awkward.
Who the hell am I and what am I doing? Tomorrow is day three. Will any of the jobs get back to me? Will I escape the speeding train? Can Jedd loosen the ropes before the alligators get to Mary?
In other news, Stars and Sigur Ros are both playing in Chicago on the same night. When Sigur Ros immediately sells out and/or costs $70+, I'll get tickets to Stars and the concert will still be amazing. Find/download the song Stars-Personal. You won't regret it. It just might take you a few listens to realize. I had the album In Our Bedroom After the War for several months before fully tuning in to the beauty.
p.s. After the condowarming fiasco, we went to NEO, a goth club in town. It was like being in an 80s movie except I was there and so were various college skanks and an hispanic gentleman in a flowing white shirt dancing not for the music, but for God. I believe his name was Fernando.
It finally happened. I'm in a coffee shop in Chicago and they played Chicago by Sufjan Stevens.
